Monday, December 14, 2009

Cake

My life seems to exist in a precarious balance between sorrow and cake.

Dinner tonight was the usual chaos. I try and get the kids to eat and then talk about their day. I have actually stopped asking my son questions during dinner because he would much rather talk than eat. So at dessert, while eating some Hanukkah cake I asked him how his day was. He said it was a good day, but a little sad. I asked why it was sad. Well, he replied, because daddy died. Then he started to cry and came around the table to sit on my lap. Of course then the four year old (who never stopped eating her cake, except when her older brother was getting some mommy attention) is now also climbing onto my lap.

We all had tears in our eyes and I said – you know we will all probably be sad forever. Ugh, I thought! I really did not mean to say that. I meant to say for a while – but no I said forever out loud – shit! My six year old looked up at me and said – not forever mommy - just until we get a new daddy. Oh, was my reply. Then my children remembered there was cake and both went back to their seats to resume eating. I sat there stunned – not eating cake and asked – when do you think we are getting a new daddy? My son replied – when you find the perfect man. Will you help me find him I asked? Of course they both replied and then happily started eating cake and smearing frosting all over their faces.

Then just like that, the sadness is gone and I am the one left recovering much slower than they do.

Some days I am just thankful they are in my life to remind me that cake can fix most sad things. The rest of the night went smoothly.

Until my son started to make me feel horrible that I am not going on his field trip tomorrow to that freaking Disney movie – but am taking his sister to her sing–a-long. He went on and on about how I never go with his class and I always pick her and the guilt was terrible. I will now forever be in the position of not being able to physically be in two places at once – and I don’t have another parent to go instead.

The fact remains in my mind – I would not be going to the movies even if my husband was alive. So this conversation would still be taking place – but Daddy could have possibly gone instead – or even better, I just wouldn’t feel so freaking bad about it.

Even though all my friend’s children are having their sibling rivalry stage, I feel like every emotional battle with the children is heightened to the extreme. It is the guilt that they only have one parent now. That they are stuck with just me and that daddy isn’t able to come to the rescue like he used to.

My friends and I say that in our world the mommy is always the strict one. The one who sets the rules and the daddy gets to break them. My husband would walk into a room and turn on the TV and in minutes I would walk in, scold them for not doing what they are supposed to and turn the TV off.

How do I become the good one and the bad one – it seems I am just not up to the task. I am trying to be the fun, silly mommy and then the mommy who makes them eat healthy, do their homework, be kind to people and then go to sleep.

There seems to be no room in between for another mommy. Maybe she will come over time – I am just trying really hard right now to live in the moment and not be sad mommy all the time.

Maybe I will give them cake for breakfast . . .

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